Pilot:

Michael: Hey don't turn this around on me. I'm not the one who thinks he's a super hero.

Michael: Roswell's not home. It's not even in our solar system.
Max: Well this is the closest thing we have to home right now.
Michael: For you two maybe, it was you the Evans found on the side of the road not me. They're like real parents to you. My foster dad just keeps me around for the monthly check.

Max: Liz won't tell anyone, she's different.
Michael: Really? So how'd she react when you told her? 'Great you're an alien that's fantastic. Excellent.'

Morning After:

Michael: Hold it there! Don’t hit me.
Max: Argument with Hank?
Michael: Couldn’t sleep.

Michael: Amazing.
Max: What’s amazing?
Michael: That you can sleep when the key to our entire existence is out there.

Michael: Max, listen that picture Valenti showed Liz means there’s someone else out there. Someone who was here in 1959. That means he was here when it crashed. He knows where we come from, he knows who we are, he knows why we’re here. Maybe he knows how to get back.

Michael: Listen, if Hank insulted you or anything...
Liz: Oh no, no.
Michael: You kind of have to ignore him.
Liz: Sorry... to just show up here.
Michael: It’s where I live.

Michael: I didn’t just wander in, all right? I had a cover story.
Max: And what was your cover story?
Michael: I was selling candies for charity. Peanut cluster?
Max: And they bought it?
Michael: No, they all seemed to be on a diet.

Max: Michael, it’s important to me, too.
Michael: All you want to do is protect what you've got here in Roswell.
Max: That’s right, I do.
Michael: Have you ever thought what it’s like here for me, Max?

Michael: The thing I've realized is the fact that my life basically sucks is a good thing. It’s easier. We always have to be able to leave, pack a suitcase, go somewhere else. Maybe 10 years from now, maybe a week from now, maybe tomorrow. So my advice? Don’t get in too deep, Maximillian. It only makes us weaker.

Monsters:

Michael: Or we could just kill her. (gets a look from Max) Kidding.

Michael: She's kinda weird.(talking about Maria)

Michael: So what do you mean she was nervous?
Liz: I don't know. She was just, she was like nervous.
Max: Nervous, like, just overexcited nervous?
Michael: Or nervous, she's gonna crack, nervous.
Liz: I'm not sure what she's going to say. I'm really not sure of anything anymore.
Michael: You're not sure. That's great. That's good.

Leaving Normal:

Michael: Ow.
Michael: Gandhi feeling frustrated?
Max: Shut up.
Michael: Let me guess...you're in love with a girl and she's with another guy.
Max: You realize that you can be really annoying, right?
Michael: I got something else that's gonna cheer you up.

Max: You're putting us in danger, Michael.
Michael: You're the one who put us in danger when you saved Liz. You're the one who screwed up.
Max: Yeah, and I'd do it again right now.
Michael: Let's hope we can trust her.
Max: We can trust her.
Michael: Well, I don't trust anyone these days.

Missing:

Max: You said you'd be nicer to her.
Michael: And you said you'd stay away from her. Let's call it even.

Isabel: This isn't good, you know.
Max: No, I see that.
Michael: It's pretty good, huh? I didn't even know I could paint. But Mr. Cowan said it's the best thing that's come out of this class all year.
Isabel: Michael, this isn't right.
Michael: What isn't?
Isabel: A public display...your thing just sitting here.
Michael: This is not a thing, all right. It's...I'm not exactly sure what it is, but...
Max: What Isabel is trying to say is that it's not a very good idea. It could be dangerous.
Michael: Dangerous? How can it be dangerous? It doesn't mean anything to anyone, including myself.
Max: But Michael, that's not really the point. The point is, we shouldn't be taking chances like this.
Michael: You did.
Max: Yes, I did. That's right.
Michael: But, what? You can take chances and I can't? You can roll the dice with our lives, but if anyone else does, I mean...God forbid, you know...
Max: I saved someone's life, Michael. I wasn't dabbling in the arts. (Michael gets upset and walks off)

Michael: Max told me what happened.
Liz: Oh...he did? What did he say?
Michael: He said you wrote it all down, Liz.
Liz: He said that? What do you want?
Michael: I want you to know it wasn't smart to write all those things down, Liz.
Liz: Yeah...I know that now.
Michael: I knew it a week ago.
Liz: Excuse me?
Michael: That was the night I sat at the first booth. Maybe you remember. It was late like tonight and you were at the counter...writing.
(flashback)
Michael: Homework?
Liz: Uh, yeah...a little bit.
(present)
Michael: But it wasn't homework, was it?
Liz: No, it wasn't.
Michael: You could have put us in an awful spot, Liz. Roswell's not exactly the town you want to be unique in, if you know what I mean. You have to know who your friends are.
Michael: I had to know the risk...so I had to know what your journal said.
Liz: You took it...
Michael: I never meant for things to get out of control...it's nice to know we have at least one friend in this town.
(Michael gives the journal back to Liz)
Liz: Does Max know that you...
Michael: No...and you know what would be really great? If you didn't tell him.
Liz: But why didn't you just destroy this, Michael? Because anyone that found this would know all about you.
Michael: No...they'd know all about you, Liz. Thank you for giving me one more reason to envy Max Evans.

285 South

Michael: Max, I'm connected to this thing, all right? I mean, I see it when I close my eyes. I dream about it when I go to sleep. And it's not letting me wait, no matter what you guys say.

Maria: You can't just make up answers.
Michael: Who said I'm making 'em up?
Maria: You do not watch "The View".
Michael: Keeps me in touch with my feminine side.

Maria: I told you not to go over 80. The engine won't take it.
Michael: Maybe it's just tired of hearing you talk.

Michael: Are you happy now? Go ahead, tell 'em I kidnapped you and I stole your car. I mean, what's one more arrest on my record, huh? Damn it!

Maria: Did you pull on the chokey thing?
Michael: Yes, I did pull on the chokey thing.
Maria: Hurry, just do something. Go!
Michael: Don't tempt me.

Michael: They're not secret powers.
Maria: I don't care what you call 'em! Just use them and get us out of here!
Michael: I'm not that good at it, all right?!

Michael: Now that I'm humiliated, and the battery's fried, I'm gonna take the back seat.
Maria: Wait a minute. Ok. You kidnap me, and you blow up my car, and you expect me to spend the night in here with you?
Michael: Not exactly my fantasy evening either.
Maria: Don't touch that. It is sensitive!
Michael: Can you shut up?
(A green alien inflates in one of the boxes)
Michael: Well, that's nice.

Maria: So, do you get hungry just like the rest of us?
Michael: Yeah. Of course I get hungry.
Maria: What, uh...what other human urges do you feel?
Michael: Not if you're the last woman on Earth.

Maria: Ok, favorite book?
Michael: James Joyce...Ulysses.
Maria: You have not read Ulysses.
Michael: "What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones who pass it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in reality not knowing their own minds." Page 655...told you you wouldn't understand. Next question.
Maria: All right, if you're so smart, then how come you fail every class in school?
Michael: What number is that?
Maria: It's my own personal question, ok?
Michael: I don't answer personal questions, ok?

Michael: I don't suppose we could share?
Maria: Not if you were the last alien on Earth.

Maria: No no. You don't think--I mean, that is, like so unreal! I mean...come on, would you tell them?
Michael: Come on, honey, we don't have to lie.

River Dog:

Michael: But it should just be the 3 of us.
Max: Probably.
Michael: Yeah, that's what I figured. Actually, I sort of told her we were gonna pick her up.
Isabel: Michael!
Michael: You know, she pushed it. She's got this whole thing. She's a real vibrator. She sends out these vibes. It's...
Max: Michael, she can't come look through the stuff. It's us, that's all.
Michael: I know. I know. I'll call her. Do you have your phone?

Michael: I'm telling you, the plan sucks the big one, all right? They're out there on my vision quest, and I'm sitting here in the kitchen with 2 girls yakking.
Maria: Interesting, um, Michael. You know, some women of the, uh, 20th century might find that last remark just a tad bit offensive.
Michael: Why?
Maria: Why?
Isabel: Welcome to Michael-land.

Maria: I hope you intend to pay for that.
Michael: I do not.
Maria: Well, then that's theft, buddy.
Michael: Arrest me.
Maria: Ok, so what's with the Tabasco sauce?
Michael: Sweet and spicy.
Maria: Sweet and spicy?
Isabel: We all like things extremely sweet mixed with extremely spicy. It's our little dietary quirk.
Maria: Well, I'll have to, uh, keep that in mind.
Michael: You do that.
Isabel: Are you two flirting? God, could my life get any worse?

Michael: We were told to sit here and wait until they come back, all right, and that's what I'm doing. I'm not the one freaking out. You're freaking out.
Maria: I am not freaking out.
Michael: You keep pouring sugar from one container to the other and then back again. Quit it, it's driving me insane!
Maria: I just...I wish you would say something.
Michael: Say what? What do you want me to say?
Maria: I don't know what. Just say something, you know, to make me feel calm, to make me feel like it's gonna be all right.
Michael: Maybe it's not gonna be all right.
Maria: Thanks, that helps a ton.
Michael: What do you want me to do?
Maria: I don't know.
Michael: Shut up, then!
Maria: I...I hate you!
Michael: Ditto!
Maria: You know, all I ask of you is just to try to make me feel better, you know, be a guy or whatever. Forget it. I have obviously tried to bark up the wrong tree. (Michael kisses Maria)
Michael: That was to calm you down.